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The Unorganized Township of Bootstuck
An old box of randomly labelled cassette tapes is liberated from a garage sale and into the hands of a journalist who begins sifting through the contents and discovers random interviews with the citizens of a remote town known only as Bootstuck, a distant former military base in Ontario's northernmost region. The characters that occupy this abandoned outpost are colourful to be polite, unstable, unpredictable, or erratic to be direct but have all bypassed their obvious intellectual shortcomings to suss out an existence in this wild and challenging place.
The Unorganized Township of Bootstuck
TAPE 3 - The Hat Machine Conspiracy
Tape 3 opens with... well, let’s call it an atmospheric conversation. There’s a lot of background noise—some of it suspiciously gastrointestinal—and once again, the subject is hats. This time, Hat Guy pitches his latest invention: a hat vending machine. Naturally.
We’re introduced to a new voice, a slow-talking man with a thick southern drawl and a wandering train of thought. He pauses mid-interview to go wake someone named "Jimmy," leaving Hat Guy to run wild on the mic. And just like that—there are three voices in the mix.
It’s chaotic, borderline nonsensical, and still no closer to explaining who’s recording these or why. But the mystery deepens, and the tapes keep playing.
The investigation continues.
www.bootstuck.com
There he
SPEAKER_00:is. Hello?
SPEAKER_01:Yeah.
SPEAKER_00:How's it going?
SPEAKER_01:Uh, good. Yourself? I'd like... Oh, great. Thanks for asking. I'm eating a pizza bun, yep. So good. Yeah? You ever have a pizza bun? It's a bun, and on top of the bun, they put things that you would put on a pizza, and then they give it to you. It's like a raw pizza. Uh-huh. Oh, that sounds terrible. Whoops. It's all right. Uh-huh. Oh, yeah, well, I wanted to tell you about that new hat stand. Hat stand? Sorry, got something in my feet. Yep. Hat stand. Hat stand. Seven varieties, seven flavors, each one different. You put them on top of your head and check them out inside the mirror. They has one. And then from there, you can make a decision. Flavors? Seven styles, seven flavors, seven colors, seven techniques. Whoops. Okay, well, I don't understand what a flavor of hat is. What do you like, Coca-Cola? They have a Coca-Cola cap. And what is that? What flavor do you like? Juicy fruit. Dave's got a juicy fruit cap. Orange Crush. Ah, I understand. Mack Truck. Mack Truck. Tastes like steel. That tastes like Detroit City. What does? Mack Truck. Steel. That's a great flavor. Still, what's happening? Well, you were talking about Halloween and what you're going to do for Halloween. Oh, yeah, I'm just going to wear all my hats all together. 72 of them stacked real high. At once? Oh, yeah, that's all together. Unless you want to do all together separate, which means one at a time, and we've got to line them up. We're going to number them. And when they're done, you're going to pick them off. Oh, so like one of those, like, windshield things you see in NASCAR where they peel the windshield off? That's a great idea. I'll just keep all my caps, one on top of the other, hooked up a little bit looser. That way, when one comes off, there's another one. Racing hat, fishing hat, camping hat, doing this hat, outside hat, wedding hat, you know, keep going through the list. That's insane. Yeah, but think about how warm it'll be. Uh-huh. Yep. How would you even balance that on your head? I put a stick right in the middle. A stick? Yeah. And then when people ask you, what are you for Halloween, what are you going to tell them? Halloween? I can carry a briefcase of hats. That's always a good idea. I can just put the combo at H-A-T. Well, you put it with numbers because there ain't no letters, and you've got to figure out what those are. You use a telephone, and then you put it in. And then when you click, click, pop it open, inside it's going to be your hat. Uh-huh. Yeah, just like that. Put them all in the briefcase. Put a case of crackers in there. Premium Plus is always good. What about a hat dispenser, like a PEZ container? Oh, that's a good idea. That's a good idea. I've got one better than that. I'm going to do a hat vending machine. Vending machine for hats. Although they're all mine, it's going to cost me a pretty penny. How are you going to carry that around? Or just leave it outside. If someone wants to borrow a hat of mine, they can purchase one. You'd let someone borrow a hat? For a price. What about, like, hygiene? Oh, I brush my teeth every morning. Sometimes at night, too. I comb my hair. Don't worry, I cut my own nails. I take care of myself pretty good. Some might question your mental state. Oh, some might question lots of things. Sometimes people question my penmanship. They think I was a doctor. Nope. What time is it? 12 noon time? I'm done. Yeah. Later. Soft Twitter.
