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The Unorganized Township of Bootstuck
An old box of randomly labelled cassette tapes is liberated from a garage sale and into the hands of a journalist who begins sifting through the contents and discovers random interviews with the citizens of a remote town known only as Bootstuck, a distant former military base in Ontario's northernmost region. The characters that occupy this abandoned outpost are colourful to be polite, unstable, unpredictable, or erratic to be direct but have all bypassed their obvious intellectual shortcomings to suss out an existence in this wild and challenging place.
The Unorganized Township of Bootstuck
TAPE 6 - "Snow by the Bucket"
Tape 6 opens with our familiar slow-talking, low-voiced Bootstuck resident and an enlightening—if baffling—discussion about snowfall measurement. Their method? Buckets. Literal buckets. They count the flakes. Allegedly.
Before long, Hat Guy stirs from what sounds like a nap and jumps right into, you guessed it, another story about hats. Of course. At this point, it’s unclear why the interviewer keeps entertaining these ramblings—but I’m practically begging for a single direct question. Just one.
Still no real answers. No purpose. No context. Just more static, more strange, and more Bootstuck. I’m holding out hope that, eventually, one of these tapes will explain why they exist at all.
But until then, we measure snow by the bucket, and time by the nonsense.
www.bootstuck.com
How many times do I hang on tight? How many times do I just let go? Hold on. Tie your shoes up real tight. Make the bow double the bow. Double the bow and then you won't fall off again. You were saying something about a snowstorm up in Bootstown. Well, I got facts today about a snowstorm coming through Bootstown. And left a whole bunch of snow. Ten buckets full. Ten buckets? Yep. Ten buckets of snow falling down real quick. Jerry got the pails out, scattered it evenly over the front wall. He caught all of the snow in 10 buckets and then poured it back onto the ground. Buckets are normally measured for rain, right? If the rain is frozen, then it can measure snow. Six markings on the bucket at different heights to understand how much snow it's all. Jerry's going to count the flakes now. I have an update. Probably by around second dinner time as to just how many snows did fall. Second dinner time? Yep. First dinner, we're going to have spaghetti tonight. We're going all in spaghetti and white shirts. And then after that is whatever is left. Well, that sounds just like more. You know why it's better I don't ask? That's okay. We probably won't even have time. We're going to be busy counting. Well, is there a reason you count the snow? It doesn't make really much sense why you need to count the snow. Well, everybody asks, how much snow did you get? Everybody asks that. Everybody also asks, how much firewood do you have left? Those are the most common questions we get up around here. Also, is it Thursday? But that's not why I called. I just give you a call to wish you a wonderful Wednesday. It's Thursday. Uh-huh. I'm a little late. I tied my shoes real loose this morning because I can't walk nearly as fast. They should go on the proper foot. That really helps. Because if you haven't run the wrong floor, you're walking in a circle, and then all of a sudden, you're in the same spot that you was. Sometimes it is a negative. Train of thought. Speaking of trains, I had a train running through my head this morning. It was more like a headache. So I took an aspirin and derailed that motherfucker. I see. Well, that answers all of my next 10 questions. Is Hat Guy there? Hat Guy, he's in the back sleeping. I'll wake him up for you. Hey, Hat Guy! Ah! Woo! I'm awake! Before I thought about putting a plunger on top of my hat, making a small little hole in the top of each cap. Stack them up tight. I have to leave them straight in order to get the height that I'm looking for. Ten gallons. So nowadays, it's not about the color of your cap, it's more about how high you wear it on top of your head shows off that you got as big as brain as anybody who understood no well i ain't got time to understand you i went into the giant tiger there was uh no tiger inside i found myself 16 different caps i said well and i ain't got time for that so all i did was select one So I took out my stool, climbed up real high, wasn't high enough, got a broomstick, put the cap on top. Then I realized I wanted to wear it. So I jiggled the broom, knocked the head off the shelf, caught it with my teeth, put it on my head, and walked out the door. Wish I could tell you a little bit about it, but it blew off in the wind when the wind came. You've been going on for nine minutes. Fuck, my time's up.
