TAPE 14 - "It's all Part of The Illusion"

Tape 14 opens with what I can only describe as an audio endurance test. Our slow-talking, never-named narrator yawns his way into a conversation about Bootstuck’s latest developments—if you can call them that. We’re introduced to the annual Carve-Off, a celebration of, well, carving... though the categories are as off-kilter as everything else in Bootstuck. Caleb will be carving wood, naturally, while Dave has committed to carving spaghetti. Yes. Spaghetti. Apparently, you'll have to be there to see it, which seems like an intentional threat at this point.

And then things get even more unhinged. Enter John Maximum, Bootstuck’s only known real estate agent, who visits annually to hand out calendars and gift baskets to residents. His pitch: invest in Bootstuck’s highly valuable roadside acorns and pinecones, which are apparently the backbone of the local economy. Acorns with intact tops seem to hold particular prestige, though no one—not even the narrator—fully understands why.

The episode, if you can call it that, spins completely off the rails with an attempt to set up a transatlantic communication system using a bean can and a soup can connected by string. Predictably, it's declared incompatible. Things spiral into what I can only describe as an improvised, off-key acorn anthem before the tape mercifully cuts out.

At this point, I’m not sure if I’m being toyed with, trolled, or slowly indoctrinated into the Church of Bootstuck. Regardless, I’m still listening... against all better judgment.

www.bootstuck.com

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Hey, how you doing? I just wanted to say something because

SPEAKER_01 0:22

I was about to have a yawn. Woo!

SPEAKER_02 0:29

I see.

SPEAKER_01 0:30

Uh-huh. Yanni Pepper? Nice.

SPEAKER_02 0:48

Well, that's very confusing. How are things up in Bootstuck? Have you been

SPEAKER_01 0:52

getting a lot of rain up there? Yeah, there's snow. If the snow doesn't come down like snow, but the snow gets hot upstairs, you're going to need a lot more buckets. Also, very difficult to count.

SPEAKER_02 1:05

You know, they make a hydrometer. It's a device to use scientifically.

SPEAKER_01 1:10

Yeah, but you're not going to want to use a slotted spoon because then you're going to... lose most of the content, so I wouldn't do that. Nope.

SPEAKER_02 1:17

So moving along, how are things in bootstuck?

SPEAKER_01 1:20

Big things are coming to bootstuck. Carving competition. You can bring your own type of thing that you want to carve. Caleb's going to do wood, and Dave's going to do spaghetti.

SPEAKER_02 1:30

Spaghetti?

SPEAKER_01 1:30

Spaghetti, yep. I'm thinking I'm going to make something maybe a little different.

SPEAKER_02 1:38

I don't understand. How do you carve... You'll

SPEAKER_01 1:41

have to come to the carve-off and find out. Dave's going to have a sculpture done, carved out of spaghetti, for all to see, whoever comes to see it. If you don't come to see it, I guess it's not for all to see, but for those who come to see it to see.

SPEAKER_02 1:54

You've

SPEAKER_01 1:56

got braces on a gulf? What, happened now? Uh-oh. Stephen! No! Absolutely not, sir. This is all part of the illusion. Stephen! Nope, nope,

SPEAKER_02 2:09

nope. What was that noise? Have

SPEAKER_01 2:15

you guys sorted everything out? Yeah, sorted out things from our calendar from last year. So what we did is we took the pages and folded them all so we had 22 across the board. Once you have 22 across the board, then you can play 22 Skidoo, which is one of our favorite games to play out in the stuff.

SPEAKER_02 2:30

21 skidoo.

SPEAKER_01 2:31

22 skidoo. That's better than 21 skidoo. Tell you what. Anywho, Caleb's going to be out there chopping wood, making a new chair so all of us can sit down for once. That'd be nice, eh? That'd be real nice. Because so far, if you come up to Bootstuck, you've got to sit around the rug. Now, Rita gone because it's got, well, she's here for two more days. But she gone because it's going to be January and it's a new year and it's a new time in the stuck. It's a good place to be here. And if you're not here, then that's okay too because we don't really have any chairs for you.

SPEAKER_02 3:00

How do you sell Celebrate New Year's and do stuff.

SPEAKER_01 3:01

Yeah! I'm glad you asked. We all just go out to the side of the road. I'll do a playback from last

SPEAKER_02 3:08

year.

SPEAKER_01 3:09

Oh. That was me talking about 2022. 2024.

SPEAKER_02 3:18

Apparently

SPEAKER_01 3:21

I was wrong. Missed it.

SPEAKER_02 3:22

No, you did.

SPEAKER_01 3:23

Missed it. This year's going to be different. Big things are coming to Bootstuck. We're getting a new calendar. The REMAX guy's going to come up and give us one. Asked us if he could put up a sign on our lawn.

SPEAKER_02 3:33

So you have a real estate agent that comes to Bootstuck. Why is that?

SPEAKER_01 3:36

Yeah, John Maximum. That's his name. He comes on up and says hello, gives us gift baskets and such, knocks on all three of our doors.

SPEAKER_02 3:43

Is the land valuable up there?

SPEAKER_01 3:45

Oh, yeah. I found a Just sitting on the side of the bus road, right there. Picked it up, put it in my pocket. That's pretty good.

SPEAKER_02 3:51

How much money do you make a

SPEAKER_01 3:52

year? Acorns, I make$65. Pine cones, it's a little bit more difficult.

SPEAKER_02 3:57

Those aren't considered plums of money.

SPEAKER_01 3:59

Whoops, sounds good to me. I use my acorns to trade up, you see? All you need to have is a couple of acorns. Now, acorn with the top on top, having popped the top on top on the acorn top, that's worth a pretty penny. I don't understand.

SPEAKER_02 4:11

I'm trying to figure out the point of this phone call.

SPEAKER_01 4:13

I'm trying to figure out a can of beans and a can of soup. Does one sound different? Put a cord inside, right, and you stretch it 255 miles across the Atlantic Ocean so you can call your auntie. She's got a soup can and you've got a bean can. I don't know if that's going to work.

SPEAKER_02 4:31

So they're not compatible?

SPEAKER_01 4:32

Well, I'm not too sure if they get along or not. Nope, nope, nope.

SPEAKER_02 4:37

Oh, my God.

SPEAKER_01 4:38

I think we need music. Wow. Acorn with the top on top. Haven't popped the top on the acorn top. Haven't popped the top. Haven't popped the top on the acorn top. This is dumb.