TAPE 57 - Toilet Paper Shed 6A

In this tape, two residents attempt to solve problems they clearly do not understand, beginning with the collapse of the township’s food supply and spiraling into Dave’s catastrophic “shed incident” involving a porcupine, several gallons of maple syrup, and far too much confidence. What follows is a wandering, deeply unhelpful conversation covering toilet paper hoarding, black licorice optimism, dangerous transportation ideas, and a revolutionary invention meant to help men fake childbirth empathy. As usual, nothing is resolved and everything somehow gets worse.

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Transcript

Speaker 0:31

Okay, we'll script a little bit.

Speaker 2 0:32

All right, no sense.

Speaker 0:38

Sure don't.

Speaker 2 0:39

Well then why'd you say it?

Speaker 0:40

Well, I gotta fill up time.

Speaker 2 0:42

I'm trying to find practical resolvation of problems that uh relate to our food supply. That's okay.

Speaker 0:53

I'm trying to find practical solutions for resolving the toilet paper situation that Dave left us with.

Speaker 2 0:58

Dave left us with? I'm unaware. So what's this?

Speaker 1:01

Oh, but you haven't been in the outpost lately, have you?

Speaker 2 1:04

Outpost? Well, it depends which one. Shed one, shed five, or shed six A.

Speaker 1:09

Shit, shed six.

Speaker 2 1:10

I ain't never been there.

Speaker 1:11

Yeah, you don't want to.

Speaker 2 1:13

Well, what happened?

Speaker 1:14

I think he had a couple too many maple syrup shots. He went in there with a porcupine. He thought it was a squirrel. It wasn't. Dave looks like Hellraiser now.

Speaker 2 1:23

This is the thing. I've been trying to push education. It will help everybody. He knows he's got seventeen sheds full of toilet paper.

Speaker 1:31

The educational shed at the back there's only got two books, and one of them's holding it up straight. He doesn't know much about the education yet.

Speaker 2 1:38

Well, but that's a fair point. Maybe we could hope for and get uh a shipment of books.

Speaker 1:45

I was hoping for black licorice. Hopefully I don't ruin it for everybody.

Speaker 2 1:48

Well, black licorice can have juices as well.

Speaker 1:51

Yep.

Speaker 2 1:52

Now, you're going down to Dave's tonight, I need a ride. Uber's busy. He's sleeping.

Speaker 1:57

Oh, whoa. Yeah, I could give you a ride, but uh I got I I got I got uh I I got and uh uh the little bicycle today. Do you mind sitting on the handlebar?

Speaker 2 2:11

Well, no. I'd I should be okay to get there, but coming back's gonna be a bit of a problem because you know what I I get a little wobbly.

Speaker 2:18

Yeah, well, that's all gonna be not a problem because the bike's a little wobbly already. You see, it's I got one wheel and two seats. Interesting probably safe.

Speaker 2 2:25

Maybe I'll just walk.

Speaker 2:26

Do you mind holding my hand?

Speaker 2 2:28

I do.

Speaker 2:29

Oh.

Speaker 2 2:29

I am comfortable with my sexuality, but I do not like to hold your hand, mostly b for sanitary reasons.

Speaker 2:37

That's fair enough. Yeah. I thought of uh coming up with a new contraption for men who are having babies. Because they don't have to have the baby, and you know, then them say, Oh, you don't know the pain. Yeah, we do. So they say. So what I'm doing is I'm inventing a fake hand. And the fake hand's gonna go up your sleeve. And when the woman's having the baby and she's got so much pain she wants to give you some, give her your hand. She'll squeeze it and put her nails in it and do all these horrible things. And you won't feel anything. That's a pretty good deal, right? Uh I think so. Yep. I'll make them in like all different colors, like green and blue and purple and you know what?

Speaker 2 3:11

You should run that idea past Jim Dandy.

Speaker 3:14

I will, hold on. Okay, I ran it by him. He doesn't understand. That's all right.

Speaker 2 3:41

I don't think you're supposed to actually run past him. Oh, I think the meaning of the phrase is to take your idea and and to present it to him.

Speaker 3:52

Well, it's gonna be awkward because you see, he got one of them spinny chairs, and now every time I try to talk to him, he just turns to the left a little bit more. My knees are sore now.

Speaker 2 4:01

Uh what the hell are we talking about now?

Speaker 4:04

No. I've just been pulling the ends of celery apart. You mind if I give you a dingle back in three and a half minutes? I gotta go get something to get me altercated. Alright, goodbye. Goodbye.