TAPE 59 - The Day Bootstuck Thought Lorde Was Coming

The episode opens with a chaotic voicemail and quickly spirals into a very Bootstuck conversation about frozen rivers, rubber-banding birds to make them quieter, and the town’s proudly nonsensical “fish maze.” As the caller tries (and fails) to get a coherent answer from Bootstuck’s resident rambler, the discussion veers into Valentine’s Day preparations, including a contest involving hearts hidden around town — some carved, some hung, some written in the snow in ways that probably shouldn’t be encouraged.

In the middle of this already-crumbling dialogue, the caller learns that Bootstuck is preparing for a major celebrity arrival: the pop artist Lorde, who they believe is visiting the township next week. The town is scrambling to “Jimmy up” the billboard in her honor, though no one seems certain who Jimmy is, where Bill went, or why any of this is happening. As the confusion deepens — involving a 14-foot door that scares rabbits and the mystery of “holes in the wall near your knees” — the call ends the only way Bootstuck calls ever can: suddenly, chaotically, and with the caller begging for it to stop.

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Transcript

Hat Guy 0:13

So we're probably gonna have to build a launch. Yep. Oh I don't know if we'll do that tomorrow. Well, you're a you're a very strange bunch of people. Uh did you know that? We also know good things come in the spring, so we're really looking forward to it. Because all of a sudden the river starts moving again. You can pick up the rocks from the river again. Yep. Birds? You got birds where you in from?

SPEAKER_01 0:33

Uh yes, we do.

Hat Guy 0:34

Yeah, us too. And they go in the morning time, and they wake me up. So what I'm gonna do is I'm gonna I'm gonna get little little tiny itty bitty rubber bands, and we'll send Caleb outside and put them on the beaks of the birds. Then they'll probably sound like this.

SPEAKER_01 0:50

I have a maze.

Hat Guy 0:53

So you have a river near you. We have a river maze. It was a big pond, and then we had some uh leftover concrete and made a little maze for the fishies, you see. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 1:03

Maze for the f um Can you actually see?

Hat Guy 1:05

I'll hold up my phone. You got a video phone? I'll hold it up and tell me if you can see the river frozen overtake.

SPEAKER_01 1:10

This I won't have a video phone.

Hat Guy 1:12

But you might.

SPEAKER_01 1:13

It doesn't work that you have to okay, sure. Show me the river.

Hat Guy 1:18

Like that, frozen. See it? Uh nope. Sorry about that. I had to close the door. I can't show you the river too long, because the door is 14 feet wide. And every time you open the door, oh the little furry bunnies run away.

SPEAKER_01 1:44

The fur. The first. You know, I think I may have to start talking to your mayor Dave a bit more. He he he honestly makes a bit more sense than you.

Hat Guy 1:52

He's our mayor? He often walks around with a clipboard and saying things to me like that. That's day.

SPEAKER_01 2:01

He's a funny one. Think about it. Oh my god. Well, uh, it it it sounds like we're breaking up a little bit, so uh we'll we'll end the call.

Hat Guy 2:09

Oh, that's okay. I still like you. Valentine's Day is coming. We can send you hearts. Actually, we're making a contest in Bootstuff, you know.

SPEAKER_01 2:16

Is that right?

Hat Guy 2:17

Yeah, for the Lover Day. You know Lover Day? Woo! We don't celebrate it much around here, but we have a contest for them passing through. Stephen will probably do it. We're gonna put out a bunch of hearts. And if you can count how many hearts we done have hanging up and around, maybe written in the snow and yellow, then you'll be able to win yourself a gift certificate to come to Bootstuff. Help with your accommodations, a pre-authorized Walmart gift card for later in the future when we might get one. Well, that's great. I saw your post there. A social media flyer came around today. They've held it up like this. Put your phone up again. Oh. Like this. And everybody had a look at the flyer there. They said, yep, supper's gonna be at 6:30.

SPEAKER_01 2:55

I'm amazed that you're still alive.

Hat Guy 2:58

Thank you. You should try our maze sometimes. It's a little bit wetter than yours, but I think you'll like it because you talk about it quite a bit.

SPEAKER_01 3:05

Lord. Lord help me.

Hat Guy 3:07

Yep, Lord's gonna be coming to town next week. Woo! You know her? She's a singer.

SPEAKER_01 3:12

The singer Lorde is coming to Bootstuck.

Hat Guy 3:15

Apparently, Dave's gonna go out and Jimmy up the billboard. He's gotta get in touch with Bill first, but he's been on vacation for a week in yonder.

SPEAKER_01 3:23

Jimmy?

Hat Guy 3:24

Yep. Jimmy or Bill? Bill's bored, but Jimmy's gonna rig it. Little bit, yeah. Whoop, here we go. Jimmy's gonna rig it.

SPEAKER_01 3:33

I'm not doing another song.

Hat Guy 3:35

Jimmy's gonna rig it. Bill. Jimmy's gonna rig it. Jimmy's gonna rig it. Bill Born. Yep. Woo! Um that's what he's good at most of the time. Also, he's really good at counting. Better than most of us. He gets six in a row sometimes. Um you have one of them things in your area where you got the holes in the wall? You got that?

SPEAKER_01 4:06

Uh you'll have to give me more than that. Holes in the wall?

Hat Guy 4:09

Yeah, probably close to where your knees might be. There should be on the wall a bunch of holes. Oh my god. And what you can do is you can put a you can put off the hang on, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop.